"Bend Over, I'll Drive"

Mistress Sky's Funny Paper

Some of these jokes have been passed on to Me by various individuals, thank you all for your warped sense of humor!


Custer's Last Thoughts

God's Law - question for Dr. Laura

Suggested Playtime Games for brat lovers...

Things you would love to say at work but can't

Orgasm Types

The 5 questions most feared by men and butches alike!

National Condom Month Slogans - part one.

FAVORITE THINGS ~ perfect for the Holiday Season!

THE ABC'S OF BDSM

The Class of 2004 - nothing to do with D/s but not everything on My website does.

Possible Origins for some words(These may not be true but are interesting)

Dedicated to the Retired Ladies of the Evening


For those Dominants out there that are 'blessed' (cursed?) enough to have a SAM (Smart-ass Masochist) under your care and guidance here are a few tips at how to turn the tables on your loving brat...

- When doing a bondage scene use silly string or spaghetti

- For gagging your SAMmy submissive try using a giant sourball, available in the vending machine of the grocer near you!

- Have "this ass owned and operated by (insert your name and preferred title here)" embroidered on all of their clothes

- Perform a flogging scene using a licorice whip flogger while singing "On the good ship lollipop"

- Wear rainbow socks with your open-toed shoes and have your foot-fetish submissive worship your feet

- Tell your submissive you are in the mood for milkshake, set out a glass for yours and an enema bag for his/hers (sidenote: this is for shock value, do not actually use the bag!)

- Sit upright for a backrub, keep saying "a little to the left" until your submissive gets dizzy from rotating around you

- Serve watermelon at your next playparty. Have your naked submissive bent over in the middle of the room and tell the Dominants to line up for a seed spitting contest with your submissives anus as the target

- For waxplay paint your submissive completely with black latex or body paint then drip a colorful pattern on them with your brand new box of 96 vibrant crayons, scratch off the colors with a toothpick to reveal your creative artwork

- Replace the St Andrew's cross in the dungeon with a life-sized replica of Barney the Dinosaur that sings "I love you, you love me". Attach cuffs to the arms and legs of the submissive and Barney ... add the video for extra effect

- Give all commands/directives in your best Donald Duck or Edith Anne voice

- When your submissive begs to cum, look perplexed and say "silly, you are already here"


Things you would love to say at work but can't... well, most of you can't anyway...

1. Ahh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really very easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nice if you try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like english but I can't understand a word you are saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of shit.

11. I like you. You remember me of me when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talen and vision, I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you does not mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby, whiny-butt opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a people person??

25. This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lightening.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you go away?

29. Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume but did you have to marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work is done here.

37. How do I set this laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.


ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the enterance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms

Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms

Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms

Sex with an accountant = Boregasms

Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms

Sex while broke = Poorgasms

Sex with a lion = Roargasms

Sex for hours and hours = Soregasms

Sex on a golf course = Foregasms

Sex with a nymphomanic = Ready for Moregasms

Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms

Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms

Sex with chocolate marshmellows = S'moregasms

Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms

Sex on the beach = Shoregasms

Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms

Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms

Sex on a cruise ship desk = Shuffleboardgasms

Sex in Asis = Singaporegasms

Sex amoung the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms

Sex in the vicinity of garbage cans = Odorgasms

Sex on the way to the train = Allaboardgasms

Sex that isn't very satisfying = There's the Doorgasms

Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms

Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms

Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms

Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms

Sex with a conquering Spaniard = Conquistadorgasms

Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms

Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms

Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms

Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms

Sex with the host of a horrible TV show = Pauly Shoregasms

Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms

Sex while flying = Soargasms

Sex with a bugle player = Homgasms

Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms

Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms

Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms


The 5 questions most feared by men and butches alike!

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes all of these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if answered incorrectly (i.e., truth be told)

Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below along with the possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking? The proper answer to this is, of course: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you"

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is most likely one of the following:

a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would send the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear!"

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit loads b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who me?

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Amoung the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: Do you think she is prettier than me? Again the correct response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a much better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d. Define pretty. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. There real answer is of course "Buy a Corvette and a boat", but no matter how you answer this be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions...

You are on your own from there!


National Condom Month Slogans

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

Don't be silly, protect your Willie!

When in doubt shroud your spout.

Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

It will be sweeter if you cover your peter.

She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

While you are undressing Venus, dress up your penis.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection is to protect your erection.

A crank with armor will never harm her.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, no love.


FAVORITE THINGS ~ sing to the tune of the same name

Dildos and corsets and chainmail bikinis. Black leather cages you lock on your weenies. Fetish and fashion and pierced nipple rings, these are a few of my favorite things.

When the lash bites, when the crop stings, when it hits the spot. I simply remember a few of my favorite things and it makes me so hot.

Wrist cuffs and collars and straps of black leather. Chrome chains and padlocks to hold them together. Tease whips and gags sort the girls from the boys, these are a few of my favorite toys!

Nip clips and clit clamps and ballgags and blindfolds, Dildos and buttplugs to stop up your assholes. Enema pipes and some new KY gel, delivered in plain wrap so the neighbors can't tell.

Bottle green panties like the girls wore in school. A brief French maids outfit to make your mouth drool. Black halter tops and a PVC skirt and a long leather whip. Oh yes, that will hurt!

Floggers and paddles and crops of black leather. Rubber and latex are fun in all weather. Canes of rattan that deliver a sting, these and much more are my favorite things!

When the lash bites, when the crop stings, when it hits the spot. I simply remember a few of my favorite things and it makes me so hot.


THE ABC'S OF BDSM by She



Dominant perspective:

Age-play -role-play where a child-like persona is betrayed...the person could also act older but it depends...hum, depends..that's what old people taste like

Bondage - the act of restraining a submissive or bottom...whip me, beat me, tie me, try me...not necessarily in that order Cat-o-nine - a whip consisting of narrow leather straps ... cat scratches, my favorite!!

Daddy - can also stand for Dominant or Dominatrix...but I prefer Daddies, I mean Daddy Electric play - the use of a tens-unit, violet wands or other electrical device...a truly shocking experience

Fisting - the act of inserting the entire fist into a persons vagina or anus...polite way of asking to do this "May I give you a hand?" Goddess worship - worshiping of divine, feminine images and women as manifestations of "the Goddess"...I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a Goddess on my knees, go ahead worship me

Hanky - come in various colors to indicate type and extreme of SM a person is involved in. Worn in left pocket for Tops, right pocket for Subs...worn in both you say? Hum...that's a switch ;)

In a scene - to be engaged in SM play... so, if that is true is a dungeon a scenery?

Joy - the feeling a good session brings to both the Top and sub ...

Keyword - another name for a safeword...or a way to get around on AOL

Leather Family - a "Family" consisting of BDSM/Leather people who give one another support, love, and understanding... share sorrows, joys, and pain (a family that plays together stays together) Master - a dominate male or female that prefers to be address as Master (or Sir)...what would call a submissive that tries to lure in one of these Tops? a MasterBater!! (sorry, couldn't resist)

Novice - an inexperienced Dominate ...aka one who couldn't Top a sundae much less a submissive

Orange - safeword used to say "Let's rest for awhile" ... used by a Top that doesn't have a Relief Pitcher (see definition of R under Submissives perspective)

Play party - an event where friends get together for meetings and beatings...usual stuff~Chips, dips, chains, whips

Quirt - long crop-like toy with leather flaps on the end which is used for spanking ... not only has a great sting but has great sound effects too!!

Red - safeword used to cancel a session...also the color of a submissive's body after a session

Sadist - someone who enjoys giving pain...they like to meet and beat people

Top's Disease - a condition where a Dominate believes she/he is better than submissives ... not fatal but seems to be contagious and spreads quickly

UBS (Utility Belt Syndrome) - the super-hero like appearance many Dominates have due to all the equipment that hangs from their belts ... Verbal Abuse - a form of play which involves calling the submissive names or otherwise insulting them...I am not a cock caressing, ball-bouncing, nipple nibbling, hickie hound-dog slut, I just play one on AOL

Wrapping - a whip-stroke that hits the body were it was not unintended to strike...also defined as Oops!

X - the mark a novice Top may draw on their submissive to help keep their aim... hence the saying "X marks the spot"

Yellow - a safeword used to indicate "lighten up"... also the color of a person after water-sports

Zipper - an object consisting of clamps strung on a cord that is placed on the submissive and then yanked off...yank,yank,yank, tug, tug, tug, and a couple of smacks and whacks!



submissive perspective:

Animal role-play - play in which one person, or both, pretends to be an animal (not to be confused with bestiality where one player actually is an animal)...finger me and say "here kitty, kitty" and I'll cum..oopss I mean come

Bottom - can refer to a person who enjoys various sensations or a body part used for spanking

Consensual - one of the three keywords of BDSM....Safe, Sane, Consensual

Discipline - how a Top punishes and corrects a sub...but I wouldn't know about that cause I am so sweet and Well-behaved

Erotic pain - a sensation I would love to feel right now... sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me

Flogging - to be struck with a whip, flogger, etc. "I ache for the touch of your lips, dear, but more for the touch of your whips, dear. You can raise welts like no body else, as we dance to the Masochism tango"

Giggle - something some submissives do when they feel extreme pain...whip me, beat me, make me giggle...please!!

Hummingbird - a device placed on the submissives clit that vibrates and can be operated by remote control ... oh goody, Toys for Twats!!

Ice - used following a flogging, spanking, or waxing to cool the area... or to put down a Tops back (that's one of the things mentioned in the book I am writing "101 Ways to piss off a Top")

Jump - what a normal submissive does at his/her Tops commands...what I do at the chance to play

Kamikaze - a submissive who is neither safe nor sane when choosing play partners... a.k.a. an idiot!

Lap - what a subbie lays across during a spanking...I've been good, spank me!!

Masochist - someone who enjoys receiving pain... me, me, me!!!

Nipple torture - the use of clamps or other fun toys on a submissives nipples...a.k.a. treats for tits....hum, if done as a reward would it be a Boobie Prize?

One to ten - the way a submissive indicates the intensity of the pain they are ready to receive..." 10 "

Pain-slut - another name for a Masochist...gee, do we know one of those??

Quiet - something most submissives aren't ...if they aren't screaming or giggling their dead, cut 'em down now

Relief pitcher - term used when one Top takes over the scene for another Top...in other words, as the submissive gets whipped and the Top gets beat

SAM - Sweet Angelic Masochist...that's me!!

Topping from the bottom - when the submissive tries to control the scene...a.k.a. unconsensual Top Topping

Upside-down - the way a submissive hangs when suspended by their feet... "Upside down you turn me using chains and a pulley"

Vanilla - not having to do with SM...I'm not vanilla, I'm rocky-road...sweet and a little nutty!!

Whipping post - an object used to tie a submissive to during a flogging...please, keep me posted!

X - the mark a sub may have a novice Top draw on them to assist in proper whip placement...build their ego, yell "bulls-eye" when they hit it!!

Yes/No/Maybe - Yes, I want to do that...No, I don't want to stop...and Maybe we should do it again

Zapped - what happens to a submissive during electric play....zzzzzzzzaaaaaappppp


The Class of 2004

Just in case you were not feeling old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of the students.

Here is the list for the Class of 2004:

The people who are graduating in 2004 across the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war (until now anyway).

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owner a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track.

The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what cloth baby diapers are or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commerical.

Feeling old yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmens were introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jorache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI,WWII, and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were even held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mind for a Camel", or "De plane, De plane."

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.

McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?


I don't know how true any of this is but it made interesting reading.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on the bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "good night, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or was known today as the Honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. In Old England, when customers got unruly the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's there we get the phrase "mind your p's and q's".

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service, "wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were of the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King; the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentemen Only Ladies Forbidden... and this the word GOLF entered into english language.


Dedicated to the Retired Ladies of the Evening.

I passed by the nursing home & there were six old ladies naked on the front lawn. I thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on my way because it's a long walk & I wanted to get it over with before it got truly hot again today. On my way back, the ladies were still lying in the yard & to quench my curiosity, I went inside & asked to speak to the director of the facility. When I asked him if he knew there were 6 naked old ladies lying on the front lawn. He replied, "Yes, I know. They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale!"

Do you know how to tell a young whore from an old whore? A young whore uses Vasoline, an old whore uses Poligrip.


Custer's last thoughts

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those fucking Indians!'"


God's Law

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. On one occasion she said that, from her point of view as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. the problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev.25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim




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